“Topping from the bottom” is a term used in the BDS< lifestyle which is when the submissive or slave in a relationship adopts both the role of the submissive and the role of the Dominant by trying to control the relationship in one form or another and take the authority of the Dominant. The biggest reason for which topping from the bottom usually happens is when a Dominant is new or unsure of themselves when it comes to being a Dominant. This can also come from lack of confidence in things such as proper decision making. “Well what do you think if we do this?” is leading and opening up the door to topping from the bottom.
Topping from the bottom is looked at as bratty behavior. One might ask if this is something which should be allowed? The answer is no. It is behavior for which is quite disrespectful to the dominant and something which should not in any shape or form be tolerated.
Five ways to spot that you are topping from the bottom…..
1, You say “no” to reasonable requests….
No is a powerful word. It is a word which is allotted to all submissives. It is the heart of keeping things consensual. However with such great power comes great responsibility. If a Dominant gives you a reasonable request and is within your negotiated terms at the beginning of the scene or even the relationship, then you shouldn’t use “no”. Some submissives will do such just because it simply inconveniences them or they just don’t want to do something just because. you just don’t want to. Neither of these things are a valid excuse. You should always remember that they have you best interest at heart along with their own at the same time.
Abusing the word “No” leads to bigger problems down the line. The dominant may begin to question whether or not you are there for them or yourself.
2. You contradict the decision of your Dominant.
One of the biggest occurrences of this is the Dominant tells you, you can’t do something but you go along and do it anyways. If you try to change your Dominants decision after they have made it, without a valid or legitimate reason, you are topping from the bottom. You are trying to take control of the situation at hand. It can be as simple as trying to convince them to do something else to you or you asking if they are sure they want to go somewhere or see another movie when you want to go somewhere else or see something else. These are examples of contradiction.
3. Simply ignoring or refusing a request or a command.
This one is pretty much self explanatory. One of the biggest ones for which I see is when your told to do something and you turn round and say “Ohh I’ll do it later”, where there is absolutely no reasonable reason to delay doing something. It is also about simply pretending that you didn’t hear what was said, when it was very clear and obvious what was said and ignore it because you just do not want to do it. You are in service to the Dominant, that is your responsibility to carry out and do what is told. There will always be time to go back to what your doing.
4. You ask “What is in it for me if I do x y z?”
Being a submissive isn’t about be pleased directly. You are there to please your dominant which in return should bring you pleasure. The lifestyle is an exchange for which works back and forth however you should not be in the mindset that you should get x y and z for doing x y and z and then going about dictating such to your Dominant. Sometimes the term “Conditional Submission” is used to explain this where a submissive will only when certain conditions are met. There are certain things for which do become negotiated and this us usually right at the beginning of the relationship in the contractual and agreement phases of the relationship. However, if you as a submissive continue to have this where you will only do things when you get such and such back, that is a wrong mindset to be in..
5. Pulling away from Physical Touch
As a submissive or slave, you are giving over your body for them to touch if they wish to. Removing yourself from the situation or pulling away physically when they try to touch you is trying to control the situation and trying to direct what happens. There are other ways to communicate if you are feeling unwell and most Dominants worth their weight in stone will listen. Simply walking out or turning your back to a Dominant is also unacceptable behavior, and once more you trying to control the situation.
Why do submissives do this?
There are many reasons why a submissive might take on this behavior. One of the biggest reasons sometimes is to get the attention of the Dominants. Submissives sometimes do this sometimes because they want to see just how far the rope will stretch. They will do it to test to see where the limits are. Sometimes there could also be insecurity issues which might need to be sat down and talked about and addressed. Sometimes it can be fear of letting go. Some submissives have trouble going from a professional controlling atmosphere to a submissive atmosphere. It also could be rebellion against a dominant’s control or issues and conflicts with being a switch. Some submissives have a strong dominant personality as well and at times have issues giving up that side of them or letting down that side of them.
So what do we do about this?
Confidence goes a long way. I will tell dominants that they should hold their ground. they should put their submissive in their place immediately when they see signs of this. It can be something as simply as a look down to punishing the slave if its something which requires more stern correction. As a Dominant there might come a time when you “have to lay down the law”, put your foot down be confident in yourself and be stern. You have the control and you make the laws as Dominants.