Characteristics of a submissive
“Respect, Trust, Honesty, Love, Obedience”
The building blocks to a solid relationship are like the concrete and walls of a house. Without these key characteristic traits, a relationship is bound to crumble, regardless if its a relationship within a community or a personal relationship between two special people. Everything starts with respect, learning to gain respect for someone and be able to look up to them. Without being able to gain respect, none of the others will be able to be achieved. I have heard these five key things to be like steps on a ladder for which one needs to be achieved before the other can be.
When we talk about characteristics or traits, we must discuss core values. Core values is what makes up a person. These are the things we take at their highest and bring about in our everyday lives. They are what makes us who and what we are and what we stand for. There are several common core values when it comes down to being a submissive and in this article, I will discuss several of them. However, there are many more, some for which you might not find listed here. These are simply core values which I have come across in my time.
Trust and Honesty go hand in hand. How can you be honest to someone, be able to be open to them if you do not trust them. Submissives trust dominants with their lives, not just their physical lives but their mental and emotional lives as well, so being able to trust this person for which you put yourself in their hands is one of the biggest stepping stones to get over.
Trust isn’t just about trusting that other person but it is also about trusting yourself, trusting the decisions and choices which you make and being able to live with those choices. Submissives have to make choices just like dominants have to make choices. Learning to trust your heart and mind and trust it is going to lead you in the right direction is very important to any submissive or slave. Taking that leap with someone is a scary one at times, but you have to trust not just the person who is leading you but trust yourself. So it is two fold which goes both ways.
Love
This one is optional due to the fact that there are service orientated households which submissives play a specific role within the household but it is not a emotional role, so the love for that person might not always be necessary. However, love in general does exist. You have to have a “love” for what you are doing and the role you are leading regardless if you have love for the person for which you are serving.
Patience
Telling a submissive to wait can be the hardest thing to do at times, especially in the online world I have found. There lot of submissives out there who struggle with the concept of patience because the want and needs which build inside them for some sort of release, either in the physical or mental sense, can be overwhelming at times. “Sub Frenzy” which is discussed can be sometimes very difficult to deal with. They want that craving which is building inside them to be fulfilled and thus they loose sense of patience.
Confidence and Integrity
I think confidence and integrity go hand and hand. A submissive should be confident in themselves. They should hold their heads up high with pride in their servitude to those which they serve. They should be able to smile and be happy with themselves and hold a high level of integrity within themselves when they serve. They are not inferior or less then anyone else. They are equals as human beings. They should have a firm understanding of these two concepts and show them in everything for which they do.
Loyalty
Accepting of a collar from someone comes with several responsibilities. No dominant is going to want someone who is with them to not show some signs of loyalty to them. They want to know and trust that what they put into this person is not going to just fall to the wayside. They are trusting you as a submissive with a lot of things, even down to their own feelings and emotions. A submissive who breaches the concepts of loyalty with a dominant will loose everything they have built with this person. This goes along the lines with trust and honesty. Be loyal for the place which you have accepted and cherish it with the highest regard. If you are simply serving this dominant for a period of time, show some loyalty to that service and not blemish this.
Communication
This one ranks up as one of the highest attributes or core values a submissive could have. It is at times sometimes one of the most difficult ones to achieve, because of shyness or fear of rejection which comes along with a lot of submissives. Submissives need to be able to communicate, either through using safe words, or just to be able to talk. Dominants don’t have crystal balls and cannot read minds. If we could there would be no need for communication. Submissives need to hold a way to speak respectfully and openly from their hearts and minds. Submissives need to be able to communicate their wants, needs, fears, mortals, beliefs, and fantasies to their dominants or other dominants in a community setting.
Communication does not need to be always verbal. Sometimes submissives have a struggle with communication because they need to think they need to confront a dominant verbally but this is not the case. Sometimes submissives find it easier to communicate throughw writing. I have seen many dominants require a submissive to keep a journal and write. If you find your struggling with something and you want to communicate something, then take out a piece of paper and sit down and write it out and then give this to the dominant to read. One of my personal biggest rules when it comes to journaling is that I will never punish a submissive or slave for being open and honest with me about something when it comes to journaling. This is their space to express their emotions and fears,. Putting constraints on something like this, tends to make them tighten up and be scared to communicate, so they always need an open forum for which to do so.
Understanding
Guess what, news flash but Dominants aren’t perfect. They are human beings just like submissives are. Mistakes will happen and things will go wrong. It happens in any relationship. If the world was perfect, it would be boring in my eyes. Dominants have their moods and their off days just like you submissives do. So having an understanding and acceptance of this is important for a submissive. Having a good understanding and ability to forgive and let go is important for a submissive. Mistakes happen, but if a submissive harbors over a mistake which happens, the wounds will never heal between those two people.
Warmth
I think that at any time a dominant is going to need compassion and care. They are going to need to feel like they are important to you and not taken for granted. Dominants are emotional people also. Dominants want to feel like they are the most important people int he world to you. Dominants want to feel affectionate. There are times when I want to just cuddle up and hold a submissive, but at the same time I need that warmth, and need that closeness.
Commitment
Relationships are difficult to sustain at times. There are hardships which will happen between two people. Commitment is about doing everything possible to make something work. After the very rush of the newfound romance or the adrenaline of the new relationship wears down, where do we go from there? It is the commitment of both people to keep the relationship fresh and renewed from time to time. This isn’t just on the dominant’s shoulders but it is on the submissive’s shoulders as well.
Adaptability
This is something important for submissives who serve in a community as well as for a submissive who is new in a relationship. The ability to adapt to different situations and different “needs” which dominants might have. No one dominant is the same, acts the same, or has the same desires. Dominants by definition want things done their way. Someone has to change and it is usually on the submissive’s part to do so. Compromise happens in any relationships, but submissives need to be able to accept the wants and needs of a dominant. Having irresistible forces involved will make for the ending of any encounter quite quickly.
Attitude
“SAM” is a term which is known through the lifestyle as “Smart Assed Masochists”, someone for which goes above and beyond their way to get punished because they crave it. It is also where topping from the bottom comes from. No dominant is going to want a submissive about them who has a poor attitude all of the time. How does this submissive approach life? is she confrontational all of the time? Is she argumentative on everything? Is the submissive going to be able to accept things with dignity and respect, especially things such as punishment and not throw a fit when things do not go their way. This is all about attitude.
Awareness
When entering into any form of a D/s relationship, I think it is important for the submissive to be aware of who they are and what they are. A dominant’s ethics should demand that the submissive understands their intentions expectations with them. As a submissive, that person should be convinced that this is what they want, for themselves and not just to please that Dominant.
Dependence
This one is very touchy because it can get out of control. submissives should have a form of dependence on their dominant but they should not loose the ability to be independent. Many a times a submissive will fall into a trap where they become completely dependent upon the dominant for everything which they have, even down to the sheer fact of breathing becomes dependent on the dominant and this can turn very unhealthy very quickly. Submissives should be able to have some forms of independence because something’s things happen and without that dominant which the person has become completely dependent upon, they will be lost and not able to tend or care for themselves. It is a dominant’s dream for a submissive or slave to be completely dependent upon them but what if something happens to that dominant? Is it responsible on the dominant’s part to force a submissive into this role? No, it is not. As a submissive, you should always be able to live your life, and be able to support yourself and tend and care for yourself, just in case the time comes when you need to do so.
Selfishness
I am sure many are going, a submissive who is selfish? The simple fact is, a submissive has a responsibility to that dominant to ensure that her own feelings and needs are being met. Relationships are about balance and if everything is one sided, then the relationship is going to be doomed. Submissives at times can be very sensitive to the feelings and emotions of everyone around them. Submissives have needs as much as the dominant does and if she doesn’t express these needs to that dominant, who are they going to figure this out? This goes back to the concept of the crystal ball, which no dominant has. We as dominants cannot read minds. This also goes back to communicating. So yes, it is ok to be selfish about certain things, as long as it is done respectfully and balanced. It becomes unhealthy when it is the only thing which the submissive focuses on, but focusing on it a bit isn’t always that bad.
and finally…
HUMAN
Submissives are very intelligent people. They are human, just like dominants are. They are not inferior or less. They are very beautiful beings who should be held up on a high pedestal. They are people who should be talked to, conversed with, acknowledged for their intelligence and meant to feel special. Take time to listen to them, take time to understand them because you’d be surprised. They are not just some stupid dumb animals roaming the earth who are beneath us, even as some may fantasize about. They are intelligent people too. Do not ever doubt your own intelligence as a submissive because they you are doubting yourself, bringing about bad emotions for who you and what you are.
“From the Love of Submission Blog”
An intelligent Dominant will always seek an equally intelligent submissive. They desire a partner to dance the D/s dance with who is challenging (not combative), yet devoted. The rewards of submission are commensurate with the effort. Intelligence combined with sensual beauty is a prize worth every ounce of effort a Dominant can muster. Ultimately, when my Muse outshines me and is the center of everyone else’s attention and focus it is not an affront to me but instead perhaps the ultimate compliment. For it is a submissive who shows for all to see exactly what sort of Dominant they kneel before.