“Definition of Mentor”
- a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
- an influential senior sponsor or supporter.
Examples of “Mentors”
- A young intern was mentored by the country’s top heart surgeon
- After college, her professor became her close friend and mentor.
- we volunteer as Mentors to disadvantaged children.
- The Master Craftsmen mentors his students in his arts
So by definition, a Mentor is someone who offers guidance, support and teaching. They act as a role model for the person being mentored to look up to. They aren’t there to make a carbon copy of themselves but to help the person to be whoever they wish to be.
- Knowledge of the Subject being Mentored
- Good teaching and Guidance Skills
- Good Communication Skills
- Good Leadership Skills
- Be Trustworthy
- Good Relationship and Friendship skills
A wise mentor may have all of the knowledge in the world for whatever field or subject there is. They may be a true master in whatever is being taught, but without the skills to impart that knowledge, it can never be passed on properly and healthy.
A “Mentor” is a learned friend, a teacher for which has earned someone’s trust enough to become a confidant, where necessary, is able to give good support, advice and overall guidance, without being blocked by their own personal beliefs and ideas. They can keep a open mind without prejudice and able and open to views from different areas at all times.
A proper “Mentor” in the world of BDSM should have a good foundation of knowledge of the aspects of the lifestyle, the ethical side of things as well as the skills and experience in play. They will have a full range of knowledge on technique, safety, and the practical implementation of what they are mentoring. There are mentors out there who are overall, who have a wide range of ethical and physical knowledge, and those who are “Masters” at a certain craft or skill.
A good mentor will encourage not try to train. They will not try to make carbon copies of themselves, but encourage those whom they are mentoring to seek out knowledge for themselves through other books and the massive amount of resources which are out there. “Google” is your friend is something which I tell anyone who approaches me looking to find knowledge out there. The problem comes down to weeding through what is good knowledge and what is poor. That Is truthfully on a person to person judgement call, as we are all different in what we do and how we absorb things.
There is a great VAST difference between a mentor and a trainer. A mentor is a guide, someone who is willing to hold your hand and walk the path with you, not for you. Mentors usually will not engage with the person being mentored in aspects of play. They won’t be imposing restrictions or punishments upon you, and won’t be telling you what to do and what not to do. These things are usualy left up to those who take on more of a “Trainer” or potential “Dominant” role.
The short answer to this is No, you do not technically need a mentor to practice in BDSM. However, it is nice to have someone for which you trust and value their input to run things by, especially when your new and just starting out. During my beginning years in the lifestyle, there were several people which I looked up to for guidance or experience. I did not necessarily call them “Mentors” per say, but more learned friends which I enjoyed speaking with on a regular basis, and trusted their knowledge and guidance when I felt I needed it. There was one person for whom I did end up establishing a more structured Mentor/mentee relationship with whom helped me to structure myself and work through things. He helped to keep me grounded, not to make beginner’s mistakes as they say and guided me to properly establish myself as a Dominant in the community.
These were people both male and female who helped me to learn safety, showed me how to flog and whip properly, discussed things about rope work and understanding the ethics, the vibe and overall flow of the communities around me. They were able to guide me to where I could find the right information or if I felt stuck or had an issue, I could go to them and ask questions. Even today as a established Dominant in the community, there are people which I look up to and respect as “Elders” in the community. There are all sorts of different concepts and topics out there. There might be One gentlemen or Lady which you respect on a certain topic. When I sought to learn ‘Florentine flogging”, I found someone whom was an expert on the subject and approached them to learn from.
This is where being apart of the community is key, whether the community be established in person or online. In Second Life, there are a lot of established communities of different types of people. For those who are apart of Second Life, joining the group “Adult Community Education Society” or “D/s Discussions” is a good way to find out the various discussion groups which are out there. They come up daily with multiple different topics. This is a good way to reach out in the Second Life World and build relationships and friendships. Overall, you pretty much just need to show up where other BDSM practitioners are going to be about.
The most important concept to understand when seeking out a mentor is to make sure the person which you choose and establish a connection with is a good teacher for YOU. There are a lot of people out there who are great resources and have a great realm of knowledge, however if that knowledge and guidance doesn’t fit things which you are interested with, it really wouldn’t be worthwile for you. You want to find someone who knows stuff about the things which you actually want to learn. If your interested in Sadism or Masochism, someone who is interested in sadistic or masochistic play might be a better fit for you over someone who is more into sensual type play.
If your brand new and really don’t know what your looking for or interested in just yet, just get to know someone who you like, who you feel comfortable chatting with and has the same ethics as you have. Ethics are just as important as the physical aspects of play which we involve ourselves with. Ethics is more about how we go about doing things then how we do things.
Good Mentors are going to have great patience and pause allowing you to absorb things and think about thoughts and talk them through. They will know when to go about asking a question to help you think, but allow the conversation to flow in a way which is beneficial for yourself and not them.
Mentors aren’t out there to judge you. They should allow for a level of comfort which allows you to open up and speak with them. These are people who will become your trusted friends. Do you feel they are professional enough for you but allow you liberties to be yourself without casting judgement over you? If you start feeling uncomfortable or closed off with sharing things with them, these are great warning signs that this may not be the proper mentor for you.
Mentors aren’t going to know everything, but they are going to be versed in a lot of aspects that people come to them asking questions about. Like what was spoken about above, if the person your considering doesn’t seem to know a whole lot about what your talking about, it might be best to seek someone who does. You want to find someone who is in alignment with the interests and ideals which you have.
5. Understand that “Fame” does not equate to “Good Mentoring”.
Just because you see someone who is well known and famous, doesn’t necessarily mean they will be a good fit for being a good Mentor for YOU. Take time to get to know people. This is not a race. Their way of doing things may not entirely be your way of doing things. Find someone who fits you, your ethics, your morals, and your overall play styles.
Remember, the power to learning is not handing your power over to someone else and letting them tell you how things should be. This is your responsibility to make these decisions for yourself. Their knowledge and techniques is simply a pool for you to pick from to make your own path in this lifestyle.
Mentoring is not about “ego” or something for people to feel better about themselves, or feel more important in the community. How many people you mentor is not something to measure with other people. It is about helping. It is a great feeling inside to go about helping someone else who is less experienced then you. I almost find it as a way of respecting those who have mentored me to pass down the knowledge and wisdom which they gave me to others who are starting out. I got into facilitating online and running voice discussions. At first I was very nervous about doing this, but after I got a few things under my belt, I found it a great way to reach out and give apart of me back to the community. Its a great way to meet new people and even a great way to learn. Sometimes Mentees can teach Mentors. We are all different people, and have different ways of looking at things. Being a Mentor is about being open to your Mentee, to learn to listen just as much as it is important for a Mentee to be able to listen to the Mentor. There is always a give and take to any established relationship out there.
The most important thing about being a mentor is being honest with yourself and honest with other people. Be upfront of what you do know and what you don’t know. If you pretend to go out there and know more then you do to try to put on a show to impress people, your not just doing a disservice to other people, but your doing one to yourself. Karma has a good way of biting you in the ass if you don’t respect it. People can get hurt out there both physically and mentally if you give improper advise, and it will come back to look poorly on you one way or another. Just be up front, be realistic, and communicate. Telling someone you don’t know something, doesn’t make you weak. Your not going to loose your “Master Card”.